Reconsidering

So, something I've never really thought about up until the past 2 years or so is kids (is that grammatically correct?). Before Shaye was born, I had done my fair share of volunteering and working with children, whether at the art museum or at a daycare center in middle school. I had been asked to babysit many times (to which I politely declined, even when bribed) and asked to hold a baby every once in awhile (to which I'd oblige only after I had been guaranteed that no poop or pee would end up on me). When I was younger and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, unlike the other girls, I never replied, "I want to be a Mommy." And I never said, "I want two children, a weimereiner, and a two-car garage. And maybe a decent looking husband." To me, children and marriage were just something that happened to chicks who had nothing else better to do with their time. Something there, but not neccessarily, well, neccessary. I used to look down on women who basically said that their life goal was to be a mother and wife.

But it hasn't been until I'd really been with Shaye, when I'd get the opportunity, that I'd thought about parenthood. After holding Shaye as a baby, and I never worried about his poop or pee on me (okay, maybe once or twice), and playing with him (the kid is almost 2!), I'd reconsidered motherhood and wife-hood. I remember when I visited Shaye for the first time since his bris (it was during the High Holidays in 2004), I was talking to Rae while she was feeding him a bottle. I asked her, "So how does it feel?" She replied quietly with a big smile, "It's pretty cool." Motherhood...pretty cool....hmmm.

Now, I'm not saying here "I want to be a mother, NOW!" I'm just saying that maybe zero kids isn't the way for me. One kid sounds alright. Two may be overkill. And marriage? I never dreamed of what my wedding would be like (which is pretty retarded considering I'm chronically single). What the fuck does it matter if I'm wearing tulle or satin? As a young woman, I've had to realize that not everyone's goal is to be on top of the Fortune 500 or out in the workplace. But their career is being a mother and wife. It's 100% NOT me, but I have learned to respect others decisions and life plans.

Lately, I've been reconsidering a lot of things. Reconsidering my future mostly. Just as I've reconsidered children and marriage . Do I really want to be stick thin? Do I really want to have perfect eyesight? Do I really want to move over to Israel permanently (that one's a biggie for those who know me)? Do I really need to be in a relationship? I guess you could call this my "Belated New Year's Post." Well here are the answers:

1) No, I don't really want to be stick thin. Maybe "Sharpie" or "Small Tree Trunk" think would be nice.

2) I've worn glasses for 18 years, what difference would it make now to have perfect eyesight?

3) Dad.

4) I've made a decision. I will not give myself over to a man (in marriage, relationship, whatever), until I am COMPLETELY satisfied with myself: mind, body, soul, and ectoplasm.

So that's my deep post for the week. How did I do?