Philosophically speaking.

Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

----"Lady Chatterley's Love" by D.H. Lawrence

So the past few months have been quite daunting for me, as most people know. Fulbright applications, grad school applications, roommate issues, health issues, etc. But one thing I don't talk to much about is love issues. I'm 21. I experienced my first, and possibly for the rest of my life, worst kiss in December of last year. And since the "month of infatuation," which I refer to it as, nothing came before and nothing has so far come after.

I've developed a sort of crush on a guy in one of my Middle Eastern studies classes. Since the first night of class, I noticed him out of the corner of my eye. Him on his little laptop, typing away dilligently, and every so often, playing pinball. So each class, I've moved closer to him until about 3 weeks ago when I finally got up the nerve to speak to him. And I'd try and be as "flirtacious" as Shayna can be (which often comes off as just weird). So 2 weeks ago, I ran after him as class was being let out and kind of cornerecd him for a little bit. I finally came out and asked him for his digits in hopes of meeting up with him for "intelligent conversation." He said yes, and we exchanged. Last week, I tried to get together with him so he could look over my paper. Didn't end up happening so I had him read it during class break. In exchange for my paper, I gave him a burnt copy of a CD I made while at work. As class was letting out, he kept going and didn't stop. I was hoping he would walk me to my car, which I had purposely parked halfway across campus. Yeah, not a good night. Proceeded to balance my checkbook.

And I often think of why my life is so devoid of male companionship: I'm overweight, I'm overweight, I'm overweight, I'm too smart, and finally I'm overweight. But then I realize my next step in life will be attending grad school in Israel. Do I want to leave someone behind? How would that feel to me, and how would that feel to him? I trust that G-d has someone picked out for me, and maybe it's the fact that I feel that I've grown up to fast, that I need results now. I feel way older than my 21 years. That's probably it. But whatever. I've got better shit to deal with at the moment.